Being an intern.. is.. well.. quite amazing.
To observe impeccable clinical performance of your fellow professors..
To be able to work on patients without the cloud of "mark deduction" hovering over your shoulder constantly..
I can't imagine a smoother way to live a profession.
Confident. Satisfied. Elite.
Yet there is an aspect of internship I didn't foresee in my future;
That during your periodic rotations and while meeting and conversing with so many talented dentists in various fields;
Be prepared to unravel their endless stories;
Stories of success.
Stories of hope.
Stories of sacrifice.
I've discovered, -sitting shotgun along the ride- that planning out a future isn't that simple.
I've found that to draw a blue-print for your life - as I listen to their stories wide-eyed- isn't that straight-forward.. as I presumed.
To choose what you want to do.. from 8-4.. everyday.. for the rest of your life...is quite a heavy load to carry.
To be so dedicated to one facet in life.. astounds me.
Yet to be torn between so many tempting desserts and finally choose only one chocolate pastry... astounds me even more.
And taking a step back.. when you're from the outside looking in; the tremendous multi-factorial process of "Career Choosing"..
is as intimidating as holding bait to a lion.
as frightening as negotiating with your grandfather over century old traditions.
as absurd as talking sense to a toddler not to draw on the carpet.
Knowing you alone are your hardest critic.. that sooner or later you'll to have to face your questionable priority list, irrational fears and mute desires.
Oh me. Oh my.
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
Wednesday, 15 August 2012
To all the emails I deleted..
To all the friendships I never valued..
To all the thankyou's I never said..
To all the words I never sent..
To all the memories I purposely left undocumented..
To all the dreams I labeled impossible..
To all the relationships I never pursued..
To all the notes I got rid of..
To all the goodbyes I ran away from..
To all the gifts I mistreated..
To all the dialogues I left hanging midsentence..
To all the letters I left incomplete..
To all the books I never finished.. to all the songs I erased..
To all the conversations I avoided..or changed the subject of..
To all the phone-calls I ignored..
To all the deadlines I postponed..
To all the windows I never explored.. and doors I never opened.
To you.. and her.. and him.
I am sorry.
Posted by Hanan at 17:32
Thursday, 31 May 2012
Hidden agendas decide to reveal their identity when you least expect..
Double standards have become commonplace and my poor mind gets lost in confusion trying to differ truth from fraud.
When you're most vulnerable you get blinded by the glimmer of their smile, as their fangs pass unnoticed.
Your tongue sometimes has a mind of its own, forgetting that every wall has ears.
Growing up you discover...
That sometimes..it gets gruesome.
Sometimes it gets down right ugly.
That reality is a bitch, throwing traps every now and then to trip you.
You sadly realize that talent is not always enough...it takes much much more to be something.
Hanging a dream catcher above your bedstead will do nothing more than gather dust in your room.
In my shoes, just to see...What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes...
Just to see what it'd be like to...Feel your pain, you feel mine...
Go inside each other's minds
Just to see what we find~ Eminem
Posted by Hanan at 15:17
Tuesday, 29 May 2012
It's 3 am. I should've been in dreamland hours ago.
But I can't. I can't focus. I can't sleep.
The photos of Syrian children dying yesterday haunt me.
Their unjust fate clogs up my veins and I am suffocating with guilt.
Remorse is tugging at my heart strings... And oh how it aches so!
Then in a feeble attempt to swirl my thoughts around...
Trying to summon some sheep to count so I can doze off to sleep,
10 more days till graduation.
10 days.. And I will be a dental student no more,
The sheer thought of being an intern terrifies me at this unearthly hour,
Unspoken insecurities unfold in the dark.
Am I competent enough to precede my name with a "Dr."?
Do I even know what I want to specialize in?
Am I sure I want to be an orthodontist for the rest of my existence? A periodontist? An endodontist?
But what if it doesn't work as planned?
What will become of me?
If I fail at life..what will I do then?
I am aimless, panicking, gloomy-minded.
Syria massacre. Foggy future. 3 am.
"I was waiting for so long... For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong... Hold on and don't shed a tear" ~Celine Dion
P.S. I blame the mosquitoes for my lack of optimism.
Posted by Hanan at 04:25
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
Every person has a story to be told.
If you lend an ear you'd be surprised at the tales you unravel.
You'd be at peace with unruley behaviorism once you unleash the biography behind the motives.
The unspoken pain, will leave you speechless. How do they ache in silence valiantly so?
The sincere acts of kindness will melt your heart with warmth, as they pass unnoticed, uncredited.
You'll find that the pattern of human emotions has surprisingly stayed the same regardless the never-ending evolution in human-kind.
Whether green with envy or blue with despair.. who's to say we're not the same after all?
Jealousy. Love. Deceit. Indifference. Sacrifice. Hatred.
Though we may have civilized minds, our hearts will ever remain primitively barbarian.
"I am a prisoner of my own biography: I can't help but view the American experience through the lens of a black man of mixed heritage, forever mindful of how generations of people who looked like me were subjugated and stigmatized, and the subtle and not so subtle ways that race and class continue to shape our lives.
But that is not all that I am."
~Barack Obama, The Audacity of Hope
Posted by Hanan at 01:31
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
Senior year has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride.
The ups and downs leave me lightheaded with psychological vertigo and occasionally in a heavy case of pessimistic fits.
Trying to swerve puddles of discouragement that keep appearing along my sidewalks is more difficult than I presumed.
Maintaining integrity gets harder day by day when you're under un-imaginable loads of pressure.
The maze gets more intricate as I struggle to find my way out, at times I do believe I am wandering aimlessly in circles, searching for a sign.
Sometimes "hope" seems ridiculously juvenile and all my efforts dissolve into a haze of irrelevance.
In a moment of connecting with the rest of planet earth the trivial dilemmas that consume my time and mental space seem shameful. Pathetic.
Syrian children are being stripped off any prospects of a bright future, are ripped from their parents' arms and killed a painful gruesome death.
Innocent angelic souls vanished, by the dozen, day by day.
It's exceedingly difficult for me to fathom this unjustified and undeserved destiny.
The weight of their tears has drowned my faith in humanity down the drain.
The seriousness and gravity of their unwarranted fate has had an immense impact on my outlook on life.
And yet I still growl at the grains of salt in my cup of life, I still growl.
Why do I still growl?
God.. I am sending silent prayers with every breath I take..
God save Syria.
God save the children.
I am lost. I am vain. I will never be the same.
Posted by Hanan at 01:53
Wednesday, 8 February 2012
Sometimes I wonder..
Is it because we have gotten so used to dreaming..
So accustomed to letting our imagination run wild..
We relish in amusement -once in a blue moon- by unleashing the lasso wrapped around endless unlikely possibilities..
That when the time comes to fulfill our long sought-for dreams...
Instead of sipping from the cup that's lifted up to our lips...
We drop the glass and spiral down an emotional stairwell as it shatters.
Dear fickle dreams.. Stay strong. Speak up.