Day 1; Hello Dr, I'm the new intern for this month.

Being an intern.. is.. well.. quite amazing.

To observe impeccable clinical performance of your fellow professors..
To be able to work on patients without the cloud of "mark deduction" hovering over your shoulder constantly..
I can't imagine a smoother way to live a profession.
Confident. Satisfied. Elite.


Yet there is an aspect of internship I didn't foresee in my future;
That during your periodic rotations and while meeting and conversing with so many talented dentists in various fields;
Be prepared to unravel their endless stories;
Stories of success.
Stories of hope.
Stories of sacrifice.

I've discovered, -sitting shotgun along the ride- that planning out a future isn't that simple.
I've found that to draw a blue-print for your life - as I listen to their stories wide-eyed- isn't that straight-forward.. as I presumed.

To choose what you want to do.. from 8-4.. everyday.. for the rest of your life...is quite a heavy load to carry.
To be so dedicated to one facet in life.. astounds me.
Yet to be torn between so many tempting desserts and finally choose only one chocolate pastry... astounds me even more.

And taking a step back.. when you're from the outside looking in; the tremendous multi-factorial process of "Career Choosing"..
is as intimidating as holding bait to a lion.
as frightening as negotiating with your grandfather over century old traditions.
as absurd as talking sense to a toddler not to draw on the carpet.

Knowing you alone are your hardest critic.. that sooner or later you'll to have to face your questionable priority list, irrational fears and mute desires.

Oh dear.
Oh me. Oh my.

Granted.. What do I know?

I'm nothing but an intern.

Unfinished business

To all the emails I deleted..

To all the friendships I never valued..

To all the thankyou's I never said..

To all the words I never sent..

To all the memories I purposely left undocumented..

To all the dreams I labeled impossible..

To all the relationships I never pursued..

To all the notes I got rid of..

To all the goodbyes I ran away from..

To all the gifts I mistreated..

To all the dialogues I left hanging midsentence..

To all the letters I left incomplete..

To all the books I never finished.. to all the songs I erased..

To all the conversations I avoided..or changed the subject of..

To all the phone-calls I ignored..

To all the deadlines I postponed..

To all the windows I never explored.. and doors I never opened.

To you.. and her.. and him.

To me.

I am sorry.

It's been said before

Hidden agendas decide to reveal their identity when you least expect..

Double standards have become commonplace and my poor mind gets lost in confusion trying to differ truth from fraud.

When you're most vulnerable you get blinded by the glimmer of their smile, as their fangs pass unnoticed.

Your tongue sometimes has a mind of its own, forgetting that every wall has ears.

Growing up you discover...
That sometimes..it gets gruesome.
Sometimes it gets down right ugly.
That reality is a bitch, throwing traps every now and then to trip you.

You sadly realize that talent is not always enough...it takes much much more to be something.

Hanging a dream catcher above your bedstead will do nothing more than gather dust in your room.



In my shoes, just to see...What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes...
Just to see what it'd be like to...Feel your pain, you feel mine...
Go inside each other's minds
Just to see what we find~ Eminem

What? How? Why?

It's 3 am. I should've been in dreamland hours ago.
But I can't. I can't focus. I can't sleep.

The photos of  Syrian children dying yesterday haunt me.
Their unjust fate clogs up my veins and I am suffocating with guilt.
Remorse is tugging at my heart strings... And oh how it aches so!

Then in a feeble attempt to swirl my thoughts around...
Trying to summon some sheep to count so I can doze off to sleep,

I remember...
10 more days till graduation.
10 days.. And I will be a dental student no more, 
The sheer thought of being an intern terrifies me at this unearthly hour,
Unspoken insecurities unfold in the dark.
Am I competent enough to precede my name with a "Dr."?
Do I even know what I want to specialize in?
Am I sure I want to be an orthodontist for the rest of my existence? A periodontist? An endodontist?

But what if it doesn't work as planned?
What will become of me?

If I fail at life..what will I do then?


I am aimless, panicking, gloomy-minded.


Syria massacre. Foggy future. 3 am.


"I was waiting for so long... For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong... Hold on and don't shed a tear" ~Celine Dion





P.S. I blame the mosquitoes for my lack of optimism.

Read. Everyone.

Every person has a story to be told.

If you lend an ear you'd be surprised at the tales you unravel.
You'd be at peace with unruley behaviorism once you unleash the biography behind the motives.

The unspoken pain, will leave you speechless. How do they ache in silence valiantly so?

The sincere acts of kindness will melt your heart with warmth, as they pass unnoticed, uncredited.

You'll find that the pattern of human emotions has surprisingly stayed the same regardless the never-ending evolution in human-kind.

Whether green with envy or blue with despair.. who's to say we're not the same after all?

Jealousy. Love. Deceit. Indifference. Sacrifice. Hatred.

Though we may have civilized minds, our hearts will ever remain primitively barbarian.



"I am a prisoner of my own biography: I can't help but view the American experience through the lens of a black man of mixed heritage, forever mindful of how generations of people who looked like me were subjugated and stigmatized, and the subtle and not so subtle ways that race and class continue to shape our lives.
But that is not all that I am."
~Barack Obama, The Audacity of Hope

Dreary. Navy blue tonight.

Senior year has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride.
The ups and downs leave me lightheaded with psychological vertigo and occasionally in a heavy case of pessimistic fits.

Trying to swerve puddles of discouragement that keep appearing along my sidewalks is more difficult than I presumed.

Maintaining integrity gets harder day by day when you're under un-imaginable loads of pressure.

The maze gets more intricate as I struggle to find my way out, at times I do believe I am wandering aimlessly in circles, searching for a sign.

Sometimes "hope" seems ridiculously juvenile and all my efforts dissolve into a haze of irrelevance.

Then!
In a moment of connecting with the rest of planet earth the trivial dilemmas that consume my time and mental space seem shameful. Pathetic.

Syrian children are being stripped off any prospects of a bright future, are ripped from their parents' arms and killed a painful gruesome death.

Innocent angelic souls vanished, by the dozen, day by day.

It's exceedingly difficult for me to fathom this unjustified and undeserved destiny.

The weight of their tears has drowned my faith in humanity down the drain.

The seriousness and gravity of their unwarranted fate has had an immense impact on my outlook on life.

And yet I still growl at the grains of salt in my cup of life, I still growl.

Why do I still growl?

Why?

God.. I am sending silent prayers with every breath I take..
God save Syria.
God save the children.

I am lost. I am vain. I will never be the same.
~David Guetta

Step up. Act.

Sometimes I wonder..

Is it because we have gotten so used to dreaming.. 
So accustomed to letting our imagination run wild.. 
We relish in amusement -once in a blue moon- by unleashing the lasso wrapped around endless unlikely possibilities..

That when the time comes to fulfill our long sought-for dreams...
We flee?!

Instead of sipping from the cup that's lifted up to our lips... 
We drop the glass and spiral down an emotional stairwell as it shatters.

Dear fickle dreams.. Stay strong. Speak up.

Decisions! Decisions!

The future is intimidating.

That is all.

Flashbacks from the past

The fainted sweet scent of my mother's perfume.

A trunk overflowing with abstract paintings and un-finished stories.

A trampoline and squeaky swing-set in the midst of blinding sunlight.

A heavy backpack with gossip-filled notes jammed in each pocket.

A worn out copy of "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban", it's cover held in place aggressively by Scotch-tape.

An overused blunt black khol and a dozen friendship bracelets.

Avril Lavigne lyrics scribbled in the margins of text-books.

And -to this very day-
A stubborn anvil,
Anchoring a ship o' dreams,
Steered by Captian "Hope".

Beware the Grim, my dear.

Lost in thought she treads along the sidewalk.
It's a foggy night, vision obscured by a smoky haze of uncertainty –how ironic, she says to herself-
A wary mystical silence hangs in the atmosphere like Charlotte's web.

Street lights flicker.
Crickets chirp.
Her breathing and pulse are playing quite the duet…a chorus of long deep breaths followed by rapid palpitations resonating in the frosty air.
Chirp. Inhale. Exhale. Lub Dub. Lub Dub.

All is quiet.

But alas! In that mind of hers!
Chaos unravels, a mad-house –if you may-.

"Contradictions" loudly debate their validity. Refusing all forms of negotiation or reasoning.

Each "Possibility" competes vigorously striving to outlive its component.

"Doubt" sulks in the shadows, and being the sly con-artist he's known to be, slips a banana peel accidently on purpose.

"Ambition" trips with a thud. Trying to regain what little dignity he has left, he leans on "Hope" for support. Standing tall, brushing off the dust trying his utmost to appear nonchalant, failing miserably –might I add-. He always was such a clumsy fool with his head in the clouds.

"Fear" echoes tauntingly, you can hear the smirk in his voice, shrewd with a dash of defiance he adds an "im" to every "Possible", tags an "in" to every "Capable"

It's a silent night.
Street lights flicker.
Crickets chirp.

But in that mind...Universes collide.


Every dream as fickle as a "Snitch", just an inch within her grasp.. while she dangles for the life of her on a Nimbus 2000.. gold luster gleaming in her eyes.

And… action!

The curtains have been lifted..
Our play has been fast-forwarded to a scene that takes place 10 years later with all the characters evolving beautifully from the opinionated intolerant adolescents they once were.

*****
Truth be told:
No stubborn mind can't be persuaded.
Heart-break and pain both indifferent to their victims, being the blind criminals they are; Ain't no mountains high, ain't no valley low that can harbor you from that duet.
*****

As for our adult characters…
Who take compliments and condemnations much lighter than they did at their early teens,
Who embrace the snarky remarks from elders and blow them off as easily as powdered sugar escaping the refuge of a skirt.
Who learned that you can outlive a lost a fight, and sometimes –yes, sarcastic 15 year olds in the audience- can also be convinced by the opponent's theory, imagine that!
Who see beyond the façade of brands and the mirage of money-earned happiness.
Who understand that it takes a long time to build bonds with others, that the "good ones" are worth the hard work, time and sacrifice.
Who can detect the hidden agendas, plastered smiles and care-free pretensions.
Who know when it's necessary to remove themselves from the situation, let nature take its course and…. Wait.
Who are wise enough to confirm their 7-year old sister questioning if she could talk to "Boots" the monkey and "Swiper" the fox just like Dora the Explorer. She'll find out sooner or later that talking animals no more exist than do happy endings.

*****
Oh my have the characters of the play evolved. Very much so indeed.
*****

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players ~Shakespeare

Babysitter in the house!

I have fallen in love... With a 5 month old nephew.

Whose world has so much left to discover,
Where unknowns outweigh in every situation.

Where socks are fascinating creatures,
And toes are even more of a treasure.

Where a smile is all that's asked from you in life,
And if you throw in a cute quizzical look with asymmetrically arched eyebrows; you are crowned king and worshipped by the entire household.

Oh how I envy your untainted purity,
Oh how I envy the caffiene- free , hatred- free blood that runs through your viens.

I know you're probably staring at me and questioning the whereabouts of this excited high-strung girl talking gibberish smiling from ear to ear,
You're thinking: I wish she'd move aside and stop blocking my view of this mesmerizing fan,, I really wanna see what'll happen when it stops twirling.

Oh dear nephew, I'd endure a handful of splinters rather than to tell you the depressing news: nothing will happen when the fan stops twirling. No fireworks. No raindrops. Nothing.

It happens.

You were right.
I was wrong.

Life can still go on, ya know!

Don't judge a book by its cover

But really..
Since when have we not?

We get a glimpse of the multiple piercings in various locations and immediately think: Oh my.. this person's trouble.

We see an asymmterical, severely cut hairdo and we assume: Oh you're that type of girl

A loud trashy rap song bursts in the air as the phone rings and our eyes dart to the owner as she answers her call.. tsk tsk.

A girl sitting in the waiting room reading a novel. You make your mind about her as soon as you read the title.


Don't judge a book by its cover -we so often preach-

But really,
Really,
Since when have we not?

All over the place

Unspoken thoughts hang in the frozen air.
Notions understood yet kept silent.

Your roguish hazel eyes have left me bedazzled with their charm.
They say so little however with an immense impact.
Like paws of a kitten on a newly cemented road.
Silently you stride along the sidewalks oblivious of the impression you bestow upon me. Unaware of my mesmerized reactions.

Your acquaintance has left me smitten. Feeble. Naive.
And although no prospect awaitens.. my heart still dwells on the endless possibilities.

Just endless.


Blow the candles out..looks like a solo tonight.. I'm beginning to see the light.
Blow the candles out.. looks like a solo tonight.. But I think I'll be alright.
~Hey Monday

If I wish really.. really hard.. Will it come true?

You make it look so easy...
So natural..
Inherent.

But it's not... 
I've tried over and over..failing miserably every time.

I've been told "Practice makes perfect" and found that it's not always applicable. Nope.. Not always.

Like how French braiding seems effortless yet leaves me in a tassel of hair knots.
Or how playing the piano is merely a flow of fingers across the keys... Yet I can barely pull off a tune.
How simple it is to balance yourself on a skateboard..
Fix a computer glitch.. Heal a broken heart..
How everyone laughs at your punch line.. Is in awe of your impeccable taste.. Your undying devotion to life.

It's not easy what you do..
Though it may seem a second nature to you... You should know that you are special.. So very very special.

I wonder...
if I close my eyes and wish really really hard.. 
Could I do it too?

Memories twirling round and round.

Astounding how our subconscious holds on to certain memories; however irrelevant they may be.

Trivial compliments -3 years of age- still have the power to give your ego a boost when you're feeling blue.
Meaningless childhood nicknames can still trigger a grimace.

Nameless faces swirling aimlessly in the back of your mind. What was her name?!
Faceless names hanging by a thread, you yearn to remember their features.

****
A trip with your dad to Dairy Queen on a lazy Saturday afternoon..
Standing on the tip of your toes barely tall enough to see through the glass to choose an ice-cream flavor..
Baba kneels down and perches you on his knee, raising your eye level a few inches..
Even though he knew before-hand you would pick chocolate with sprinkles on top.

****
The smell of formalin while dissecting a cadaver with your friends -1st year dental students- reviewing for the anatomy final exam.
You are all lost in the confusing contents of the posterior triangle in the neck region.
"Are you sure this is the phrenic nerve, Hanan? I think it's the vagus." My friend questions doubtfully.
I tug the nerve and watch the diaphragm rise with my pull.
"It's the phrenic nerve. I'm sure."

****
If I could only mimic Dumbledore when he'd point a wand to his skull, drag out his thoughts and pour them into a stone basin.
Oh if only I had a Pensieve to re-visit my memories on a lonely night.

Dumbledore: "I use the Pensieve. One simply siphons the excess thoughts from one's mind, pours them into the basin, and examines them at one's leisure. It becomes easier to spot patterns and links, you understand, when they are in this form."
Harry: "You mean... that stuff's your thoughts?"
Dumbledore: "Certainly."
-J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

No more network at this end of the line

Just when I'm determined to start over..
When I persuade myself "this one is going to be worth the trouble, worth my time, worth my feelings"

Just when I finally decide that isolation isn't going to fix anything.. sooner or later I've got to let people in..

Just when I've -at long last- convinced my stubborn mind that humanity still throbs in many human hearts..

And I let my guard down..
Share my history..
Share my life..

I'm vulnerable once more to getting hurt by all those vicious antigens; hypocrites, frauds, two-faced back stabbing liars..

And boy did those antigens attack my immunity as hard as hell!
My host defense mechanism has aged far beyond my 22 years,, it fights a lost battle and can only hold its strength for so long..


But not this time..
No..
Not me..

This time.. I've loaded up on my vaccinations..
This time.. my antibody titre is sky-rocket high..

No more will I fall for your sly tricks.
No more will your pranks deceive me.

Even if it means I'll be destined to loneliness.. I WILL NOT be stung twice.

With arms wide open.. welcome

I love that when I least expect it;

Hope and comfort bombard me,

Demolishing all doubt.

Devouring all skepticism.

Kindling candles of friendship in what used to be a dark locked up dungeon.

Ah.. Discovering a kindred spirit brings me utmost amount of joy!

But I thought you didn't..? Oh you do?! Guess I thought wrong

Aren't we all a medley of contradictions!
Each rule has an exception..
Each exception is silently agreed upon to remain silent till the end of time..

We fight for our values.. sword, tongue and pen.
We wear them as halos high above our heads in times of power,
And we grasp onto them with all our might when we're afraid of drowning in the sea of doubtful new fads.

We lose friends over our values, we shed tears.
Oh the enemies we gained fighting for what we believe in!
You confounded, sly, stubborn values.

And yet! When a certain someone comes along our path in life,
Blows you away with their charm.. you're caught off gaurd by their never-before-seen personality.
Not to mention a smile that turns your knees to jelly.
Then -and only then- do your values seem ridiculously extreme, old school and juvenile!
Slowly they creep out of the windows in your soul, silently so you don't sense their absence.

Sly, stubborn values.. how bias you are!