Our hearts are like houses..
Each room has a secret..
Each room is locked..
It's safe when you're the only one that has the keys...
But when someone else has a spare...
You could get robbed any second...
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
Our hearts are like houses..
Friday, 18 December 2009
My youngest siblings are new to the world of traveling abroad..
They went into a fit of hysterics when they saw my dad in a casual array of jeans and a t-shirt instead of his usual white thobe..
A group of cousins are playing tag in the isles of the plane.. one of them has strep throat and is prevented from playing along by his mother.. he glances at them with wistful eyes..
I am in the middle of studying a "calculus" lecture when it dawned on me..
I may be the first to ever study periodontics in the sky!
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
My mother calls to hear my daily report, the more I complain; the more she consoles me with her prayers
My cousin calls to tell me that she's found the perfect store that sells dresses exact replicas of Fendi and Versace, and honestly who can tell the difference?
My little sister calls announcing that she got 10/10 mark in spelling and resolved to become a "tooth doctor" like me
My brother calls bubbling with excitement as he describes his newest pranks at school, with both teacher and taught
My best friend calls with the latest gossip and scandals of far-fetched friends and foes
My sister calls whining about her stupidity that made her enroll in medical college and who cared if a nephron was the functional unit of the kidney and why is "rhino-" a prefix of "nose"?
My grandma knocks on the door of my room with a tray of kit-kat bars and Arabic coffee just as I turn off my cell-phone
She exclaims that I kill myself studying and why not close that huge textbook and have a cup of coffee as we chat together
If she only knew
Posted by Hanan at 22:47
Friday, 6 November 2009
Why do we always favor childhood friends over new?
Is it because they remind us of our "old selves"?
When we were true in our actions and speeches..
When we joked without fearing our jokes would be misunderstood..
When we fought at lunch and made up later in the playground…
When we shared lollipops, idols and moods…
But nowadays we meet our so called friends after we've been painted with a layer of fakeness…
After we learned the art of saying something while meaning something entirely different…
After we became hygiene freaks carrying hand sanitizers in our handbags…
After we turned into picky self-centered snobs…
Give me an old friend anytime and I'll give you all these robots in return!
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
Patients under the hands of dental students are martyrs. None further said.
Posted by Hanan at 13:15
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
Niqab + Above knee-length labcoat + skin tight jeans
Unknown health care provider.. I have one question:
What message are you trying to send?
Monday, 26 October 2009
Each girl bubbles with energy..
It's amusing how versatile their topics are...
Leena is describing her "Henna Day" with much exaggeration.. her outfit was simply to die for, fifty guests replicated into a hundred, a local singer became Nancy Ajram...
Noor is ranting about her pessimistic mood toward this year, and the sudden responsibilty of having to deal with patients, not corpses, phantoms, or dummyheads but actual LIVING human beings...
Reem is complaining about the few extra pounds she gained since the honeymoon, although her husband has no objecion, and how is she supposed to feel about that?
I am searching frantically for the keys of my locker, stifling a giggle, glad that the uneven edges of my scarf hide my facial expressions...
As my grandma always says:
كل بهمه سرى... و أنا بهمي سريت
Each person carries his own troubles as I will carry mine
**fictional characters,, fictional conversations**
Monday, 19 October 2009
Me: I resigned from my previous job and now I work full-time at Dentistry.
An average person: What was your last job?
Saturday, 17 October 2009
Frustration clouded my mind...
Anger blinded my eyes...
What started as a polite "Please turn left" has now become "I told you to take that freakin' u-turn you idiot"
I know I can't blame the driver for not seeing the map in my head.. and for not understanding a language other than his native tongue..
But seriously what's a Saudi girl gotta do to get to a bookstore to buy the text book for her "Fixed Prosthodontics" class?
A fifteen minute drive has turned into an hour..
I have zoomed all Jeddah's streets except for the right one...
I have transformed from a polite well-mannered lady into a monstrous diva!
Thursday, 15 October 2009
First of all: roofs in Saudi houses do NOT mean slanted tiled structures on the exterior upper part of the house.. they are merely a third floor; walled but with no ceiling
Dancing on the roof top while listening to Demi Lovato..
I discovered a world I have now become to love…
So many lonely souls seek this place as a hideout.. knowing that no one will climb three flights of stairs to check on their well-being…
The teenage boy across the street leans on the wall as he inhales his cigarette deeply…
A little girl next door paints in peace on the walls with her crayons…
I sing "Solo" at the top of my lungs with the pigeons as my only audience
"I fell through the hole… down in the bottom of your soul"
Sunday, 4 October 2009
She flipped through the pictures of her childhood days, each photo capturing a memory in a way her mind couldn't…
She admires her courage at the age of two trying to balance herself while taking uneven steps determined to show her parents that she can walk but as soon as they turn their heads she leans on the wall for support…
She laughs at her 4 year old face smothered in chocolate with a large bowl of what used to be a chocolate sunday on the table in front of her…
She smiles with pride as she sees her 7 year old self holding a batch of cookies with a smile revealing teeth of various sizes and eyes filled with mirth…
She stifles a giggle at her poised look at the age of thirteen wearing purple eye shadow and maroon high heels -both stolen from her mother-, her strained smile showing the pain in her ankles…
Sighing with forgetfulness at a picture taken by herself, a sixteen year old teen with a sullen look in her heavily kohl rimmed eyes holding back her bangs with long black polished nails resolving to appear nonchalant but deep inside actually caring what the world thought about her…
She gazes at herself at twenty-two posing for a group picture with her college friends her face glowing in her spotless white labcoat showing pride similar to that of her batch of cookies at seven…
She lifts her head and stares at her reflection.. tears silently streaming down her cheeks in a black river of mascara… the tip of her nose slightly pink…
Her moms enters the rooms and sees her daughter through a kaleidoscope only mothers possess..
Without even glancing at the photo album she looks at her daughter and sees more than just a bride.. she sees the four year old with sticky chocolate covered hands.. she sees the seven year old in patched up jeans.. she sees the thirteen old in her temperamental moods.. she sees the burning fire of the rebellious sixteen year old and the twenty-two year old with miles of ambition.. and finally she sees the twenty-five year old bride in her flowing white gown with her silky black hair framing her delicate features… she caresses her daughter's face blessing her brow with a kiss and without a word dries the black mascara…
No matter how long we invite Change into our lives ..it keeps postponing the visit..
And when Change finally comes knocking at your door you hesitate to answer, and a sudden realization overcomes you that you don't really want to meet this alluring visitor and you'd rather stay snug in your armchair with a steaming cup of hot chocolate reading your worn out novel…
We always invite Change into our lives but secretly we don't want the invitation fulfilled… fear is stronger than tolerance…
Sunday, 27 September 2009
The leaves of an autumn afternoon danced in the wind playfully nudging my plaid scarf as I hurried to get to my prosthodontics lecture before the professor...
The waves of the Red Sea crawled mischievously tickling my toes as I gazed at the horizon while maghrab prayer rung in the air...
The "snap" I loved to hear as I remove my gloves after finishing a successful filling in a tooth of a slightly numb patient...
The dull humming of the fan in my room as I study for finals in the sweltering heat of Jeddah with a cup of iced tea as my only solace...
The many colors on the canvas I loved to mix while painting at midnight in the balcony...
The excitement and adrenaline rush in my blood as I flipped through the pages of my latest Jodi Picoult novel snug in my sofa at 3:00 AM ...
Ironically I remember a song of Sarah McLachlan: It's not that unusual when everything is beautiful....It's just another ordinary miracle today
Thursday, 17 September 2009
Praying at the Holy Mosque in Madinah
The multicultural people.. the colorful scarves.. the unity of the Muslims was breathtaking..
As I was praying..
A Syrian mother on my left with her two year old boy hugging her legs.. I marveled at her patience..
A Somali grandmother on my right praying with such dedication in her wheelchair.. her devotion brought tears to my eyes..
When I rose from prostration the harmony of my Muslim sisters was the most beautiful sight I had ever witnessed..
It's so amazing that Islam can bring all these people from their countries during this blessed month to pray in the Haram ..
Who knows what they had to sacrifice to make their journey possible..
I pray that they all fulfilled what they were coming for and that they all obtained their heart's desires
Thursday, 10 September 2009
It amuses me how when mother nature cries her tears leave a path of flowers behind them..
yet my tears leave nothing but parched, scorched, dried up valleys!
Monday, 17 August 2009
Tears swell in her luminous black eyes…
Beads of sweat glisten on her brow…
Her worn out sandals sink slowly in the golden desert sand…
The black silky abayah is blown away revealing her red jalabiah underneath…
Her niqab is now a black crow flying with the wind as she lifts her hand trying to catch it to shield her face from the burning sunrays.. she is distracted by a large noisy bird unlike any other she's ever seen…
Sitting in the helicopter she waves her freshly manicured nails to move her bangs from her eyes…
Sighing she exclaims that her legs have become numb from sitting too long with the air conditioner on..
She looks down through her window scaling the golden carpets of sand and the ruffled sand dunes for any evidence of human life…
A glimpse of "red" catches her eye but as soon as she blinks it disappears.. giving up she puts her Prada handbag beneath her feet to change their position and adjusts the earphones of her i-pod as she shuffles through the songs.. doing so, she misses the abnormal black UFO that soundlessly bumps into her window..
In that fraction of a second a life could've been saved.. now all that's left is a niqab that's gone with the wind
Saturday, 25 July 2009
5:00 p.m. ; sipping a cup of tea with my grandmother as she unravels the tales of her past, I -however- am oblivious of her story and lost in the laughter lines at the corners of her eyes and the dimples that flash suddenly as she speaks.. I wonder how this same face looked like a couple of decades ago.. I wish I could press rewind...
3:00 a.m. ; my cousin and I are standing in the balcony drinking in the uncommon quietness of the atmosphere, each of us lost in her own thoughts.. the plam trees sway magically whispering amoung themselves.. a stray cat searches for his lover..
Posted by Hanan at 23:28
Saturday, 11 July 2009
One minute you're a princess.. the next you're not..
Imagination can take you away to so many places but there comes a time when you have to face reality...
The crown in your dream falls with a thud..
The flowing gown is torn into rags..
The glamour vanishes..
And all you're left with is a bucket, a mop and dirty kitchen floors
Monday, 6 July 2009
It was a full moon night….
I was staring out my window and the soft winds tickled playfully at my earring hoops..
It dawned on me how many people around the world were also staring at this same moon..
Anybody.. anywhere.. at this same moment just like me…
A waitress in Colorado or a policeman in London..
A salesman in Tokyo or a florist in Paris..
A maid in Kuwait or a guitarist in Toronto..
And all of a sudden I felt very small and insignificant…
Compared to the 6.7692 billion people in the world; I was only 1…
And who cared what a 20 year old Muslim girl felt..
Who knew what this girl's dreams were other than aspiring to be a dentist..
I realized how trivial my existence was to many others… and that the world was larger than my own tiny circle of friends and family… the world was much bigger than my misfortunes or unlucky events...
At this moment as I am typing my post God only knows what is happening all over the world..
A mother could be mourning the loss of her child in Iraq..
A student could be jumping from joy with his acceptance letter to John Hopkin's University..
A teen age girl could be singing S.O.S. with the Jonas Brothers at their concert in Utah…
And yet I still stubbornly hold on to my dreams with all my strength.. and refuse to think of any alternatives if the first doesn't work out.. I still believe the world will end if I get a bad grade or if I don't buy that Fendi watch I've been wanting for so long..
Life goes on whether we like it or not..
The sun will still rise everyday.. and there are some who dread it and some who yearn for its arrival…
So… I have made a promise to myself; NOT to break down any more; because life is larger than me or my silly hardships.. I will remember all those who suffer .. I will put in mind that there are 6.7692 billion people in the world besides me some of which have much worse conditions than I.
Posted by Hanan at 20:50
Monday, 29 June 2009
Anticipation can be disappointing ..
You wait for summer to come and as soon as it does all your excitement during exam weeks suddenly evaporates..
All your plans to enjoy the long afternoons and glamorous nights suddenly vanishes..
Maybe it was because during the finals I was silencing my urge to fool around and ignore my studies by promises that I'm now breaking..
Laziness is a deadly chronic disease that we should study rather than asthma attacks..
Energy is the "X" in my pirate map and I'm still following the clues ..
Monday, 22 June 2009
I blame dentistry.... for my lack of sleep and zombie-like appearance,
I blame dentistry.... for turning me into a sociopath that can barely make up a conversation without bring dental topics in the picture,
I blame dentistry.... for stealing me away from my family and loved ones and keeping me hostage in the pages of symbolic textbooks,
I blame dentistry.... for my guilt whenever I go out in a weekend instead of cowering over my lectures and studying,
I blame dentistry.... for all the afternoons I eat my dinner alone after a long day while everyone else had already satisfied their hunger,
I blame dentistry.... for the loss of my sense of humor and the unwanted sarcasm that stings my remarks unintendedly,
I blame dentistry.... for so.. so much,
Maybe I was hypnotized that day I chose to enroll in dental college,
Maybe I was unconscious that cursed hour I chose to be a dentist!
Thursday, 18 June 2009
just dropping whatever's in your hand..
whether pharmacology or microbiology..
and taking a break to breathe in the coffee..
,, admire a houseplant..
..or recall a cherished memory..
makes the journey on this hectic dentistry road...
Posted by Hanan at 17:58
Tuesday, 2 June 2009
I feel guilty for not reading since exams started..
By reading I mean my novels of course..
I can feel the heat of their glares whenever I pass my bookshelf ...
I am sick of every "-ology" there ever was...
Oral Histology can die for all I care...
Oral pathology can burn into ashes...
Oral Radiology can disappear into thin air...
I HAVE LOST MY IDENTITY IN THESE SYMBOLIC TEXTBOOKS
Monday, 18 May 2009
Whenever life closes all its doors in your face and leaves you in an empty room lined by mirrors you start reflecting your life..
your past.. present and future
The room is empty.. not a soul in it but yours..
you can say anything.. do anything.. think anything..
but you don't..
you hold your tongue.. watch your actions.. and cleanse your thoughts..
For Allah is The All Knowing
Allah is The All Hearing
Allah is The All Seeing
He knows what you did.. are doing and intend to do..
He knows if your heart is filled with love for Him or if you're merely going with flow; praying- because everyone else does, fasting- because in Ramadan that's what poeple around you do..
He knows when you're truely being sincere and when you use truth as a ticket to save you from missing the trains of life as they pass by..
So when I'm in a closed room with nothing but my reflection staring back at me where ever I lay my eyes.. I lift my head up and smile..
I'm not alone.. and I NEVER will be
Saturday, 9 May 2009
Who are you trying to prove yourself to?
What makes you keep pushing the waves and climbing the stairs till you can barely catch your breath?
When I study .. the same question keeps popping in my mind..
"Why am I doing this?!?"
"Who am I trying to satisfy?!?"
Motives can be really tricky.. sometimes I'm convinced I want to be successful to prove to myself that "I CAN" yet I also want to prove to the ones that always claim "I CAN'T" how good I really am..
Other times I'm afraid of failure lest my loved ones will lose faith in me..
My ego rises and falls like the stock market..
Half a second can bring me from the peak of happiness to the valleys of despair..
Posted by Hanan at 13:31
Saturday, 2 May 2009
Every person has a story..
A tale of tears engraved in the slate of their hearts..
Every person has a ghost of sorrow lurking in the tunnels of their eyes..
Every person has a scar..
..whether emotional or phyiscal..
Pain is worldwide...
Thursday, 30 April 2009
I guess sometimes you have to see the dark side to confirm you're on the right
being in the gray can be confusing cuz you always want the good of both black and white
knowing that the difference between love and hate is a hair thread and the difference between right and wrong is even less makes you wonder to where does this line extend and when is what we think as right turns out to be wrong or vice versa... who sets the standards..
what is beauty..
what is intellgence..
I look at a flower and wonder if it's purple streaked with white or white streaked with purple.. but who's to tell me which is which??
Posted by Hanan at 13:02
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
Sometimes you need a little space to be anonymous
Sometimes just writing your soul out cools the burning fire inside... even if no one reads.. which is most probably the case
Sometimes you feel like u ARE other times you feel as if you WERE ..
Sometimes you love yourself other times you don't
So this blog is for ME
In all my moods… in all my colors…
I'm a Muslim girl in an Arabic country
Of my identity that's all that's important to know
Plus the obvious…
I'm a left handed dentist -2- be